Whenever a relationship that seems to be going well is suddenly faced with a breakup, it's very hard to come to terms with it. Not just because of the emotional hurt and disappointment, but because of all the unanswered questions.
Understanding your new situation, and why you've just been
dumped by your boyfriend or girlfriend, is almost impossible.
To make matters worse, all the love and care you had for your, now ex, partner hasn't simply disappeared along with your relationship. It's all still there.
It's painful, it's confusing and the very person that could help you through all this has gone.
This is the time when your friends and relations try and use logical arguments in their well-meaning attempts to console you. But logic isn't going to work, is it?
You'd much rather know if it was something you did that caused the breakup. Or, is it all down to your ex?
Maybe... is there someone else involved?
It would be nice to get a TRUTHFUL answer to these questions, but this normally doesn't happen... at least, not for some time. I stressed truthful because the truth is very likely to be the last thing that you get.
A couple of months down the road, and you may just be able to work these things out for yourself. Especially the answer about a third person being involved. But, until then...
...It's sad, it's certainly not ideal or what you really want to hear, but the simple truth is that... this is what you have to deal with... NOT KNOWING.
So, how do you deal with it?
Well, you can start by forgetting these old and tired sayings, "there's plenty more fish in the sea," "they don't deserve you," "they're just a [...add your own expletive here...]." Although they might be true, they are not going to help you in the slightest.
So... instead, you can start to deal with your sudden breakup and all the questions you have by understanding first that very few breakups, and I mean VERY few, ever happen suddenly.
Although the ending of your relationship was sudden, when your ex actually got round to dumping you, it wasn't a spur of the moment thing. This is something that has been going in their head for some time.
Unlike you, they've been preparing for it.
Now, this next bit is important, it'll help ease your pain and get the questions out of your head a lot quicker than you would imagine. It's a bit of psychology really, but don't let that put you off because it works remarkably well.
Our brains, for all their complexity and cleverness, find it very difficult to concentrate on more than two or three of our senses simultaneously. The psychology of this is to try and focus on more senses than you are really able to.
So, to start, I want to emphasize that this is not a breathing exercise, the breathing is just an example of how to start concentrating on your senses.
Now try this, while breathing normally just focus on the mechanics of what's going on, how your shoulders move, how your chest expands, feel the air going in and out of your nose, how your nostrils move.
Now at the same time you are focusing on your breathing...
Feel your heart pumping in your chest. You may even be able to hear your pulse in your ears too? The aim is to focus on your breathing and your heart beating at the same time.
If you can manage it, try and involve another sense. For example, smelling a lemon, a flower, anything really, but try and savor it and notice the nuances of the fragrance while listening to your heart and how you are breathing.
Concentrating on two things is good, but if you can manage three then all the better.
Within moments of doing this exercise, the hurt should melt away, you should feel calmer and more collected because it is impossible to stress and worry when your mind is focused on two or more of your senses at the same time.
